The Courage of Empathy

            

             "All of us need to be toppled off the throne of self...

     Perched up there, the tears of others are never upon our cheek."

                                     --Elizabeth Goudge

 

I like to think of our Elizabeth as a throne toppler.  I smile a bit thinking of that little lady, sitting in her bouncer, kicking those legs, smiling that mega-smile, and talking her special language--all the while swatting and hitting at those thrones of self all of us were so happily perched upon.  I think it was one of her greatest talents--a truly special gift from God-- to make others grow some empathy.

In her short, eventful life, Elizabeth lent her amazing worldview to us--she showed Kathryn and I how to be loving protectors of a beautiful special needs child, while also forcing us to acknowledge that God--not us--had this under control.  Elizabeth taught her beloved brother and sister how to truly care and empathize with special needs kiddos.  They both loved Elizabeth so much, and they saw no difference or oddity in her.  She just was Elizabeth.  Now, almost two years after she has gone to be perfected with her God, I see the remarkable way that Elizabeth has continued to topple those thrones of self and grant us all the amazing gift to empathize with those who are made differently and uniquely by God.

  
 

                                        "Look, Daddy, Elizabeth's been painting again..."
                                                                --Caroline Rowan

Caroline loves to tell us that Elizabeth's favorite color was pink.  This has become canon in our house.  Elizabeth loved pink.  There was always a pink bow in her hair or a pink dress (smocked, of course) being worn.  Our little Diva in pink.

One day, we were in the car driving somewhere and Caroline looked out the window and got very excited.  "Daddy!  Look!  Look at the sky!  It's so...pink!  Elizabeth must be painting in Heaven.    I just love it!  Good job, Lee Lee!  Way to go on the painting."

It was a stunning sunset.  Bright pink and glorious.  Tears came to my eyes (not that rare a thing nowadays, honestly).  How beautiful a picture from E's big sister!  What a great reminder to her of the hope and joy of Elizabeth.  And, I know that Caroline had been pondering this for a while.  She likes to see the symbols in things.  She observes so much and I am encouraged that she can see the wonder of God's sunset as a reminder of her little sister's presence and influence on her life.  Elizabeth has been painting, indeed!

So, now, every time we see a pink sunset... (and really, lately, they have been very frequent...maybe more so!?) all of us stop and say..."it looks like E has been painting again!"  It is maybe a silly thing, but to us, it is a sweet nudge from God that reminds us of the wonderful young lady we miss so much, but also of the hope and encouragement that she is perfected with her God and sending us a quick painting to say hello!

Caroline is our prayer warrior, our strong persuasive advocate for all who need her.  She is inherently nurturing and caring.  Her instinctive reaction to perceived needs is immediately prayer.  That is amazing to me.  When E was alive, Caroline was the one who would hold her through her seizures and pray for her as they happened.  She just felt that this was her role.  Now that Elizabeth has gone home, Caroline continues to pray for her daily.  It is pretty cool to see Caroline continue to fulfill her role for her sister, seeking to intercede for her even now.  And, Caroline doesn't stop there.  She loves to pray for others, she truly feels it is her duty to intercede for her friends.  She is constantly updating Kathryn and I on all the prayer needs of her friends, teachers, acquaintances, or even people she just heard about.  She takes to heart every mentioned hospitalization, sickness or prayer need from anyone who talks about it.  She is very adamant on making sure that anyone who needs prayer and intercession can get it from her. 

That is a beautiful trait to see in a child.  Caroline has such a well spring of empathy for others and knows so well that prayer is the best way to assist them.  Elizabeth taught her that.  Caroline was constantly praying for E--praying her through her seizures, interceding for her to God when she was sick, even praying with her when they played Barbies up in her room.  E's legacy to Caroline is--in part-- to show her that her prayers are always answered--maybe not exactly as we want them to be, but they are always answered. 

Every night, I go up and say prayers with Caroline and Michael.  Most nights, Caroline says her own prayers.  Every time--without fail-- Caroline prays for Elizabeth.  She says that she really misses her and knows that she is in Heaven doing amazing things (like painting sunsets!).  At first, right after Elizabeth died, these prayers were filled with sadness--tears and worry--but, I have loved getting to see the evolution of these same prayers--every night-- as Caroline's emotions about her little sister have become more joy-filled and peaceful.  I guess it is the exemplification of the mourning process for all of us, but I have enjoyed seeing that praying for Elizabeth and remembering her is something that Caroline will do every day of her life and that such remembrances have evolved to be a supporting foundation of her faith.  E's life has served to topple Caroline's throne of self and allow my sweet young lady to see that there is power in prayer and there is joy in remembering--seeing the sunset for what it is--a beautiful painting by her beloved Elizabeth.

                                                          "We are all special needs!"

 

     -Michael Rowan
 

It has also been fun to see how Michael (our middle child) has been beautifully modified by Elizabeth's legacy.  Michael is our rough and tumble child--all boy, wild and energetic, bold and fearless.  He fiercely loved Elizabeth and would always be protective of her to anyone.  Also, when Elizabeth was alive, Michael was always the one who was most proud to share her with his friends.  He loved answering his friends' questions about Elizabeth (what she "had", what she could do (or not do))  He was always very matter-of-fact about it all.  Not sad, not worried, just boldly realistic.  "She is missing parts of her brain", he would tell his friends if they asked.  "But, she is fun and can do lots of stuff.  Doctors can't believe it."    Pretty amazing perspective from a then 7-year-old.  But, it was his normal.

 It simply astonishes me to this day that Michael so seamlessly and easily allowed Elizabeth to be ingratiated into his friend group.  They all just accepted Elizabeth as Michael's sister and treated her like anyone else.  It was no big deal, once Michael explained it to them.  These rough and tumble guys just accepted it as part of the normal ebb and flow of life at our house.  I envy that worldview.  I truly think that many, many adults could learn something from those boys in how to deal with differences.  Sadly, Kathryn and I experienced far too often that supposed "adults" were woefully "immature" in how they dealt with special needs kids.

Michael has expanded this unique worldview a bit this year.   On several occasions, we have had the opportunity to address some rather interesting situations as a family, and Michael always has the most refreshing outlook on stuff.   Right after Elizabeth died, Caroline started experiencing some bullying in her class.  Without going into a bunch of detail, Caroline was the recipient of a rather awful note on the day she returned to school after the funeral that told her that the author was glad that Elizabeth was dead and that they wished she was, too...and then added some amazing non-sequitors that further proved that the writer needed some major therapy.   Needless to say, Kathryn and I as parents were beyond infuriated.  Nuclear is more accurate. We immediately began to try to find out who would do such a horrible thing--especially to a sweet girl who was going thorough a bit of a tough time herself.  Our defenses were up and "scorched earth" was as good an approach as any.   While we were discussing it one night, trying to figure out how a child (a 4th grader!) would do such a thing and what would motivate such actions and why they would target Caroline, etc.,  Michael overheard us.  He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "We are all special needs!"  I stopped and looked at him. 

"What do you mean?"  I asked.  Michael shrugged again, and said,

"Well, Elizabeth was special needs and had to have help doing things.  But, everyone is special needs.  We are all different and need help with stuff.  God made us all different and we just have to help others like we helped Elizabeth.  So, this person who wrote this note is bad, but they just need help.  We are all special needs."

Wow.  What a little philosopher!  And, he was right.  When we think about it, we ARE all special needs in some way.  God made each of us unique.  We are all different.  So, we all need help on something.  And, what a great perspective of a young man to have for some bully.  Elizabeth taught Michael that.  She taught him to not dwell on the inequities we see everyday, and just do our best and get help when we need it.  To live in the now and not get so caught up in what we "can't" do, that we fail to do what we ought to do!  

And, Michael puts this to practice all the time.  He truly sees everyone though the lens of empathy.  Elizabeth successfully toppled him off his throne of self.  And, even further, because of Elizabeth and her legacy of awesome, Michael also doesn't get frightened or intimidated  by those who are seen by society as "special needs".  He embraces them.  They are just like his beloved sister.  And, he loves to be with them. 

Michael's school has a little program they do where older elementary kids (3rd, 4th and 5th graders) are paired up with younger elementary kids (K, 1st and 2nd grade) to help be their "buddies" and be little mentors to them.  It is a great program that encourages older kiddos to be leaders and good examples and gives the younger kids confidence and someone to be their friend in the sometimes scary world of elementary school.  They meet with their buddies once a week.  Michael was very excited that he got to be an "older" partner this year.  He couldn't wait.  When he came home after the first week, I asked him if he had been partnered up.  He had the biggest grin I have ever seen on his face. 

"Oh, yeah!  And it is awesome, Dad!  My teacher paired me up with a kindergartner in the "special needs" class.   He is funny.  I like him a lot."   How amazing!  I saw God working His magic right then in Michael's life.  He was letting Michael shine for someone else.  He was putting Michael in a position to reach out and hold the hand of a young boy who needed someone strong to be his defender--his advocate--his friend.  It would give Michael the ability to give the support and love he couldn't give to his beloved Elizabeth and instead transfer it on to a young man who needed it.  I could see the torch was being passed by Elizabeth at that time and it couldn't have been more great.

Since then, Michael has been able to go to the special needs room at school and visit with his "buddy".  That has been so wonderful.   But, of course, God sometimes likes to double down on His blessings.  Michael has broadened his reach a bit.  Instead of just visiting for a little bit with his buddy, he has taken to playing and talking with all the kids in the classroom.  He volunteered to read stories to them (which he loves to do) and help them with their lessons.  What began as a huge blessing has only grown exponentially for all involved.  The teacher in the classroom has told us that she wants to have Michael in her classroom all the time.  The kids (all of them!) love him and have so much fun letting him read to them and help.  And, Michael loves it too!  He always gets a big grin when he talks about his classroom of "buddies".

And, through proud tears of joy, I see a beautiful picture.  One of Elizabeth with that huge grin, kicking over Michael's throne of self and allowing him to thrive on empathy.  Empathy he learned by loving his sister as she was and not being afraid of anyone who may be different.  Empathy he embraced as a testament to his sister who he misses so much.  Empathy he exudes as a gift to the world in honor of his beloved Lee Lee.

Let's all use the legacy of Elizabeth to have our own thrones of self toppled over.  Let's embrace what may have frightened us before.  Let's look through the lens of Elizabeth's life and see God's loving hand guiding us to help others and, in turn, really, help ourselves, too.   Let's learn from Michael's mantra that we are ALL "special needs" and get about the work of doing God's will to help God's people and receive God's blessing.  Let's look to the sky and see in the sunset an encouragement that we lovingly remember those who have been perfected, and that we should strive to help those who need us here on Earth.

It's the least we can do now that we aren't stuck up on that silly throne!